By Carl A. Trapani, MA, MS, LPC, Chippewa Manor Campus Chaplain
As we age, we accumulate experiences and decisions that shape who we are. With each passing year, we reflect on the road we've traveled and often look back at certain choices and wish we had taken a different path. Those with a few years under their belts often share their regrets with us, but the tone varies — sometimes with a chuckle, other times with a sigh, and occasionally with a deep, poignant silence.
Lets take a look at some of the lessons learned from regrets.
It’s no surprise that many people regret lost loves or missed opportunities in relationships. With time, you gain perspective — sometimes a little too much perspective. "I wish I'd kissed her more," says one elderly gentleman, now 80 years old. "But honestly, I was too busy trying to avoid being kissed by her older brother." He laughs as he tells this joke today, but down deep he is filled with regret about losing the girl of his dreams and "what could have been." The girl moved away and finally married another. He never sought after her and was never able to fill the emptiness she left in his life.
Others, regret missed chances for deeper emotional connections or reconciling old wounds. "I wish I’d told mom I loved her more often," one woman reflects, her voice thick with emotion. "You take people for granted, thinking they'll always be there. Then, one day, they're gone, and you can’t bring them back."
Many wish they'd followed their dreams instead of compromising for security or practicality. Some wish they had taken that leap, while others regret not acting on it sooner. “I wanted to become a rock star," chuckles one retiree, shaking his head. "I was 25, and thought I could have been another Mick Jagger. Turns out, I was better at playing the air guitar than the real one." There’s no bitterness here, just a knowing smile — and an understanding that those youthful ambitions may not have been entirely realistic. But for others, it's a serious sorrow. "I always wanted to be a writer," says a woman in her 80s. "I spent my days raising kids and cleaning houses. Now my mind isn’t sharp enough to write the book I’ve been dreaming of for decades. Time runs out faster than you think." Then there’s the person who, after years of living with practical decisions, reflects: "I gave up my chance to be an artist for a stable job. Now, I wish I'd taken the risk — but I was scared. That fear has followed me all my life."
And then there is the body. The Bible calls it a temple... that’s unfortunately built to eventually fall apart. When you’re young, you take your health for granted. You smoke, drink, eat junk, and avoid exercise. Then, one day, you wake up with back pai
n that no chiropractor can fix and knees that protest when you take the stairs.
"Remember when I used to walk five miles a day?" says one elderly woman, laughing with a twinkle in her eye. "Now, if I walk five blocks, I need a nap and an ice pack. Life is funny that way." For others, it's not so funny. "I used to eat like a king, thinking it wouldn’t catch up with me. Well, it caught up with me alright," admits an elderly man, his tone a mix of regret and resignation. "I now have diabetes, gout, and heart problems. I wish I had treated my body better when I was young." Then there’s the person who regrets not making lifestyle changes sooner. "If I had started exercising in my 40s, I wouldn’t be dealing with all these health problems now," says a woman in her 70s. "But you don't think about it when you're young. You think you're invincible. Life doesn’t warn you about the slow, creeping toll."
Many regret never traveling. The great wanderlust of youth often fades as responsibilities take over. And when you’re older, the dream of exploring faraway places seems even more tantalizing — and painfully out of reach. "I always wanted to see Paris," one man says, grinning. "But when I had the money, I spent it on the kids' dental bills or college fund. Now, I tell people I saw the Eiffel Tower — but it was on a postcard." His delivery is light-hearted, but the regret still lingers. For some, travel regret is tinged with sadness. "I always dreamed of visiting the Great Wall of China," says a woman, her voice quiet. "But now, with my knees the way they are, I’ll never make it. And my husband’s gone, so it feels like it’s too late."
Others may try to make up for lost time, but health or financial constraints make it difficult. "I wanted to take a cruise around the Mediterranean," says an elderly man. "But my wife said, “Let’s not waste our retirement money.” So, we stayed home, and now I’m at the point, where my back and knees won’t let me travel. Maybe I'll make it to the local park, if I’m lucky."
Some carry a heavy burden of words never said. Maybe they never told someone they loved them, apologized, or voiced their true feelings. These regrets often echo the loudest when time is running out. These regrets are heavy, filled with sorrow for words left unsaid. "I never told my daughter how proud I was of her," a father laments. "And now since her mother died, she’s not speaking to me. All those years of silence — now I can’t find the words to say what matters."
Some people express regret over not resolving family conflicts. "We never talked about our differences. We yelled and screamed at each other. I just thought we’d figure it out later," says one elderly woman. "But later came and went, and now it feels like it’s too late for anything to change." For some, the regret isn't just about the love lost, but about the inability to reconcile. Sometimes, regret feels like an old wound that never heals.
Those who have lived longest tend to know what it means to regret something. But the wise ones also know the importance of letting go of that regret and how to make changes. After all, life is a mosaic of choices — some wise, some foolish, but all part of the journey. Wise people can laugh about their mistakes, mourn what was lost, and challenge themselves to accept what can't be undone. As one elderly woman succinctly puts it: “We regret the things we didn’t do more than the things we did. But we also learn that regrets aren’t the end of the story. They’re just part of the whole.” And that, perhaps, is the greatest lesson of all.
Carl Trapani, MA, MS, LPC serves as campus Chaplain at Chippewa Manor. He has more than 50 years of pastoral service and professional counseling experience. For more information please call (715) 723-4437 or email him at carl.trapani@chippewamanor.com.
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