Five Myths About Grieving

Grieving is a complicated process. Because grief is so difficult to comprehend, people often try to simplify the process by citing “truths” that supposedly apply to everybody. The trouble is that nothing about grief applies to everyone. The result is that grievers are often told what they will or should experience and then feel confused because their own journey feels different. 

Here is a list of five common misconceptions about the grief process.

Myth #1: Everyone’s grief is different.

We Americans treasure the idea that each of us is unique. In general, this may be true, but there is a core biological reason for grief: the need we have to bond, to attach, to form a permanent and deep relationship with one special individual. When that bond is severed by death most people respond by protesting (“NO, no, this can’t be true”), despairing (“My life is meaningless without him/her”), and only reluctantly accepting the loss “(“I don’t want to go on, but I must.”)  So, it would be better to say that each person’s grief experience is both universal and unique.

Myth #2: Everyone goes through five stages of grief. 

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross created a five-stage model for grief that originally was intended for the dying person and then was extended to grievers. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.  These stages had been accepted as accurate and predictive by the general public and professionals until recently, when good research studies found that they did not accurately describe most people’s grief experience. It would be far better to say that some grievers sometimes experience one or more of these five stages. 

Myth #3: The only goal of grieving is to honor the deceased.  

It is true that honoring the deceased person is a major goal of grieving. But there is another equally important goal: the survivor needs to create a new and satisfying life as a single person. It’s important to keep these two goals in balance. One example would be for the survivor to drive on the country road the two of them used to take together, and then to explore an entirely different route on their own.

Myth #4: Death ends your relationship with the loved one.

This is true in one sense: your physical relationship is over. But many grievers stay emotionally connected with the deceased person indefinitely. Sometimes, for example, the living partner might “report” their experiences every night to the deceased individual and in that way maintain a sense of connection.

Myth #5: Grief lasts forever. 

I presented this idea as a truth to my family and to others because I was told that although your grief will never end it will gradually become less and less intense. Surprisingly, a few people responded by saying they felt they had completed grieving. It was important to grieve but now it was over and even when they thought of the deceased person, they no longer felt any lingering sadness. Again, we need to remember that nothing about grief experience applies to everyone.

Ron Potter-Efron, MSW, is a facilitator for the Chippewa Valley Grief Support Group. Our support group meets the 2nd and 4th Mondays of each month, from 3-4:30 p.m., at Central Lutheran Church, 28E. Columbia Street. For more information, contact Ron at 715-797-3817 or rpottere@gmail.com